i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
