spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
