I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
