hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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