I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
