shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
