he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
