I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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