The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
