Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
