There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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