I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
