bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
