the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
How does one acquire holy water?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
