bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
