it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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