My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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