I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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