none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
