just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
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