I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Enjoy the penises
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
