Please don't use social media to get back at me.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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