I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
