even my farts smell like vagina
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
