3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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