you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
