Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
