I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
