we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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