Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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