I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
