And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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