Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
