I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
