I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
