Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
