Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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