At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
