Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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