Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize