her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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