i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
