After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
