If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
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