I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
