I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
