i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
