My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
