Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
