She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize