I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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