Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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