i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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