party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
