At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize