Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize