Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
