i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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